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title: A List of Draco Malfoy's Faults date: september 12, 2002 Compendium of Useful Things to Know Blue: UK pop band. Obviously having mad Britpop buttfuck orgies together. Stars of this highly unusual photograph. Antony from Blue: Singer in Blue. Sings very high. Miss Selfridge: London-based clothing brand for girls (read: very girly). Looks really good on models; crap on most people. At the very worst you end up looking like you are modelling clothes made from your grandmother's lacy lingerie. In my opinion, only, because I hate clothes like that (read: am too fat to wear them). Danii Minogue: Kylie Minogue's younger sister, also a singer. Kylie Minogue: Very self-explanatory. *** List of Malfoy's Faults 1. Skinny arms His fingers looked like spiders. Spiders weeping perfectly curved crescents of nail, attached to thin, twitchy limbs. Mandibles. Fingers scrabbling like multiple, distended limbs for everything in its reach. No wonder Ron didn't like Malfoy, Harry thought, Malfoy looked like a freaky albino spider. And the way he did his hair was incredibly gross. He looked like he had a fishbowl on his head. Or like he grabbed upside-down by the feet and had his head dipped into a vat of fish oil. It was gross. Disgusting. Perverted. Harry wondered what it would feel like if he touched it. 2. Too sharp nose Harry had seen book covers on Aunt Petunia's trashy books. He'd had to shelve them all, and after that hated Danielle Steele with a burning passion. With her flimsy covers that Harry had bent back accidentally and been yelled at for it, and the thought that everything has a happy ending. He'd found a book about an orphan too, only she was a girl and in the end was mercifully screwed by some Germanic blond guy, therefore lighting the path to further Sexual Enlightenment and Happiness. Sometimes he'd look at his own nose in the Uncle Vernon's prize silverware, won in a charity golf game Uncle Vernon had been forced to take part in. It looked nothing like Malfoy's. Malfoy's was reagal and pompous; Harry's was a bit too big and squashy. "MUM! HARRY WANTS TO KISS 'IMSELF!" shrieked Dudley. 3. Pointy face Harry wonders why he can always see something of Malfoy in yellow-haired girls; there must be something wrong with him. Once, the girl who had (shockingly) gone out with Dudley had short hair almost the shade of Malfoy's. He had seen her first with her back to him, in a black skirt and a Miss Selfridge off-shoulder blouse that looked like it had been made of old curtains and suddenly was struck by the thought that Malfoy was cross-dressing and coming over to say hello. She had turned, seen him, said hi, told him her name was Danii (as in, Minogue but she wasn't that Minogue, ha ha ha), she liked Kylie (the other Minogue) and Blue (Antony, the soprano guy) Then she told him to kiss her and she didn't want to go out with Dudley. "I'm wearing no knickers underneath," she said and grinned at him with pink braces. Harry wondered why Hogwarts girls didn't act like that. And wondered what he could possibly say to a girl who looked like Draco with no underwear on. Dudley had screamed and screamed after that, having caught both Harry and Danii at it in Aunt Petunia's prize begonias, but Danii threatened to tell Dudley that he'd got her preggers, so Dudley shut up. 4. Sharp teeth "Was she good?" asked Dudley threateningly, but not without the slight tint of masochistic curiosity. "Oh yeah, brilliant," said Harry sarcastically, even though his mouth still tingled and burned right where Danii had nipped it like a hamster, or rabbit; at any rate something small and furry. Ferret-teeth, Harry thought. He lay in bed that night, rubbing that spot over and over again like it was an interesting scab. Later on, his fingers moved down to a very obvious hickey on his shoulder, which was about as far as Danii and he had went, even though Dudley was convinced they'd done the dirty in Aunt Petunia's bushes. He thought about possible reasons why he'd closed his eyes when they were snogging in the dirt and thought of somebody else. But he couldn't progress further unless he wanted to stay up all night doing something probably very unhealthy and addictive that he had discovered in the Hogwarts showers at age fourteen. Ferret teeth. Hmmm. 5. Sharper tongue The next term, when Harry is a bit wiser and a bit more knowledgeable about such things, he went back to Hogwarts. "So you kissed her?" asks Ron, eyes bugging out. "Really? And Dudley just burst in? Bloody hell! That's bloody hardcore! So you're going out with this Danii girl, now?" "Not really. I mean, it was just a summer fling sort of thing." Harry grins. "That became a flung so fast, Potter?" drawls Draco Malfoy, and here we go again. He's back, Harry thinks. And smiles a bit to himself, because he can tell Draco Malfoy is an absolute prude. It's in the way he walks, dresses, does his hair; and if Draco had any idea what Harry thought about -- Well. It's a better kind of revenge against Draco than Harry would ever be able to exact. And the best thing was, it was natural. "So what happened?" asks Malfoy. "The deaf-mute-blind girl snogged you and was so repulsed that she flung herself out of her wheelchair and into the sea?" "No, actually," beams Harry. "I told her there was somebody else at Hogwarts." Draco stares at him. And walks off. Huffily. "Who?" asks Ron, eyes bugging out. "Is it Cho Chang? Because I thought you were over her since fifth year! Are you going out with this somebody else? Were you two-timing her during summer? Harry, you cad!" "No, I wasn't. And I'm not dating. Plus, the somebody doesn't even know about it, so shut up." Ron nudges Harry. "Always knew you'd turn out a bit of a ladies' man." "You don't know the half of it." |
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